I've read piles of American 'get-what-you-want' books
talking about "self-mastery." I now know those books are on how to better meet your own expectations, to appease your ego. To identify and seek your desires. Desire is a holy path; it is in obtaining the object of desire and finding it dissatisfying, that you may begin to turn within.
My desire was to be happy. For years I trailed after and questioned individuals I thought had it figured out. I pursued them, far from bliss, to their most private dreams and darkest moments, until I was able to see how empty their pretending had made them. Convinced I needed a role model to become who I wanted to be, the experience was demoralizing.
There are many caves dedicated to the Buddha throughout Asia, many hand-hewn, with statues well over a thousand years old. Many Thai Buddhist temples are built near caves, and maintain shrines within. My luck once found me inside one of these caves, and so I found, inside me, one of these caves. Allegorically speaking.
Having wandered the wat grounds and found the entrance, I took off my shoes and ducked in. I am immediately surrounded by wet black rock jutting at unexpected angles. Brimfull buckets echo the sound of steadily dripping water. The barefoot climb up and down slick stone steps is laid with towels for sure footing. Having entered a shrine chamber and taking seat on a mat, I found myself open-hearted and face-to-face with a triad of Buddha statues in luminous candlelight.
I looked into the faces of these statues in turn, taking in the subtle nuances of their expressions. One is still and strong, wide awake. Another has a calm and open smile. The last with closed eyes, enjoying samadhi, or some such lovely state. My imagination, or maybe my mirror neurons, took wing and carried me there. I realized only afterward I was entirely engaged for an unknown period of time in my own enjoyment of... what?
This was not shaktipat, not a flash of enlightenment. Just the realization that self-mastery is not in having conscious control or mastery over my thoughts and actions, but in the ego surrendering to my true self. Whether it is inherent, imagined, or demonstrated, there is a place in my mind where dwells a part of my self which I can turn to as a master, to teach me everything I wish to learn.
My desire was to be happy. For years I trailed after and questioned individuals I thought had it figured out. I pursued them, far from bliss, to their most private dreams and darkest moments, until I was able to see how empty their pretending had made them. Convinced I needed a role model to become who I wanted to be, the experience was demoralizing.
There are many caves dedicated to the Buddha throughout Asia, many hand-hewn, with statues well over a thousand years old. Many Thai Buddhist temples are built near caves, and maintain shrines within. My luck once found me inside one of these caves, and so I found, inside me, one of these caves. Allegorically speaking.
Having wandered the wat grounds and found the entrance, I took off my shoes and ducked in. I am immediately surrounded by wet black rock jutting at unexpected angles. Brimfull buckets echo the sound of steadily dripping water. The barefoot climb up and down slick stone steps is laid with towels for sure footing. Having entered a shrine chamber and taking seat on a mat, I found myself open-hearted and face-to-face with a triad of Buddha statues in luminous candlelight.
I looked into the faces of these statues in turn, taking in the subtle nuances of their expressions. One is still and strong, wide awake. Another has a calm and open smile. The last with closed eyes, enjoying samadhi, or some such lovely state. My imagination, or maybe my mirror neurons, took wing and carried me there. I realized only afterward I was entirely engaged for an unknown period of time in my own enjoyment of... what?
This was not shaktipat, not a flash of enlightenment. Just the realization that self-mastery is not in having conscious control or mastery over my thoughts and actions, but in the ego surrendering to my true self. Whether it is inherent, imagined, or demonstrated, there is a place in my mind where dwells a part of my self which I can turn to as a master, to teach me everything I wish to learn.
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